This was supposed to be a life blog, back when I first began to write it; something that would chronicle my beliefs and my teaching. Now, it's going to be a life-change blog, as things have changed to the point that they're nearly unrecognizable from my point of view. When I first started this blog, I was married; but what I didn't know was that my marriage was a sham, a fake, something that wasn't real. The audience for whom my husband played thought it was real; but the fact is, the only thing that was real was the very finely-written script to which he acted.
I'm now divorced, he's remarried (one month and a day after our divorce was final, but you see, he had dated all the way through our marriage, until he found the "right one," though it's possible even she isn't - I don't know). I'm left with the feeling he wanted me to feel: that I'm not good enough, was never good enough, was never enough, and that he never loved me. I know the latter is true. I'm still seeking to find the truth about the former.
There are those in my life who are tired of this. No more so than I, I promise, but the fact is this: I thought it was real. Therefore, I get to mourn the past, and what I've lost. If nothing else, I get to mourn the tangible things, such as my piano, my career, my youth, and, most important, those I left behind. Those who are tired of it are the same people who encourage me to begin to date again. First of all, I'm in no shape to date, but secondly, I can't imagine it. To be able to try to trust someone again, only to find out that the man who claimed to love me, who claimed to love no one but me, had others? Sure, I know that polyamory exists, but it's not for me, and I never wanted a man who thought it was for him. More so, the little betrayals, the betrayals of lies told, half-truths told, and, worse, the truths that are about the uglier parts of me (and don't we all have them?) all spoken to his lovers, to show him in the best possible light? I can't bear it again.
Nor can I bear the thought of loving, to be told again, yet again, that I'm worthless.
No. No more of that.
I've embarked on a journey, and I can only hope that I come to its end as planned. I've no idea if this will happen, because I've come to not only distrust men, but myself, and, well, everyone. There is no one to trust, but God.
I hope that his marriage works, for the sake of the woman he married, one of the hordes with whom he cheated. She doesn't deserve to suffer, regardless of what she said and did to me, regardless of what she believes It's possible that, given how they met, and what little I was able to observe of her, she will cheat on him. I'm not sure how he'd deal with that.
If it were only the cheating, it'd just be another bad story. I've come to understand that my story isn't that unique in any event, though I never knew anyone who'd been through it until now. Still, to be told that one had only been married so that the other could survive - because it's easier to survive with a partner than without - that is heartbreaking. The even more frightening thing is that he believes that it's an acceptable enough excuse for marriage that he was willing to use it in an indictment against me. This is one of the many things that makes him frightening to me.
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