Still learning

Ancora imparo:  I'm still learning.

I drove into Boston for my voice lesson today.  While it's true that I teach more students than my teacher (presently), it's also true that he's a master, and is my senior and better.  I don't say that lightly. There are many things that I would say I'm adequate with, things I'd say I do rather well, but the one thing I truly excel at is teaching voice.  He is better.   It is, dare I say, why I go to him.

He and I were a little too in-tune today.  He let me rant on something that I really shouldn't have ranted about, but in so doing, he actually got my brain turned in the right direction regarding the situation.  Prior to my time with D., I was sure that I was a loser, that there was no way that this could not be my fault.  I was sure that I deserved the mess*.

After leaving D., it became obvious that this is not my fault.  It's the fault of the situation - and the fault of the person who has chosen to make "power" a status symbol.  What's happening, though, isn't true power, it's merely abuse.   One might even call it bullying, something I know she's done before.

Power:  "The ability to do something, or act, the ability to accomplish something."  Even:  "Power is a measurement of an entity's ability to control its environment, including the behavior of other entities."

Ok - so she can, to some extent, control her own environment.  She CANNOT control me.  She can make my life a little more difficult, and she can ensure that I don't step foot in that building again as an employee, despite the fact that she can't hire me.  She can stop me from teaching in that location, and can deprive the students of that institution of my skills.  She can make sure that, if I choose to stay in the institution, I don't get as many hours as I need.

She cannot, however, control who I am. She can't change my mind.  She can't take away my knowledge, nor stop me from helping another organization to become competition for this organization, or from becoming competition for this organization on my own.  She cannot take away my abilities, something I believe is at the crux of the issue as a whole, due to past interactions.  And thus, her power, such as it is, is limited.

This is something D. helped me learn today.  I am grateful.  True power is the ability to actually change people, not merely to bully them into submission.

*The situation involves someone who controls my teaching schedule at one organization with which I am affiliated.  We are in a battle of wills - she is upset about my qualifications, and wishes me to teach young children voice (to bring in money, and, I think, to "put me in my place,") and frequently speaks of her "power" over people.